I never wanted to have kids.
As a girl, I imagined my future held a career, a condo in the city (any city, really) and a two seater sportscar. I dreamed of vacations in Europe, long weekends at the beach, and quiet nights curled up with a good book and a glass of wine. I'd always been a serial long term dater so I knew I wouldn't spend my entire life alone but that didn't have to mean I'd get married. I dreamt of an orderly, quiet, self sufficient life.
I think I hear my 20 year old self crying in a corner somewhere.
I can't really fault her.
I was five years old when my mother moved out, leaving my four brothers and I with our father. I was the middle child and my youngest brother wasn't yet a year old. My father raised us as a single parent until he remarried eight years later. Other than bits of overheard conversation and snatches of watered down memories, I have no idea what happened between my parents. I know it's cliche as a child of divorce to blame yourself, and while I realize she and my father had to have had other problems, I can't help but believe that her life, and their life together, would have been easier if there hadn't been children involved.
I know my life would be.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, at 22, I met Elijah and fell in love. Fast and hard. After three months together I couldn't imagine life without him and three months after that succeeded in convincing that 19 year old boy to marry me.
We spent three blissful, childless years together. We rarely went out, preferring to stay in with a good movie, take-out Thai food and a bottle of red. We never traveled beyond a few U.S. road trips and didn't even have our passports. We had two cars, both with four seats. We bought a dog, a house and finally felt ready to bring home a baby.
All my plans, hopes and dreams for my future were reshaped or replaced in 2003.
And again in 2009.
Since becoming a mother I have been out of the country (sans children) four times, driven a Mazda Miata (no room for a carseat in that bad boy!), spent a long weekend drinking on an adult only beach in Mexico, managed to read at least a book a month, and have had countless bottles of amazing wine.
The funny thing is that I probably wouldn't have done any of these things if my children hadn't forced me to carve out time for myself and my husband. I wouldn't have fought so hard during the rough spots. I would have gotten more sleep and I'd have nicer clothes, but I might not have Elijah. With nothing to keep us tethered together we could have easily slipped apart. Being married so young means growing together, and that's far more difficult than growing apart. Our children have become a catalyst in helping us ensure that we keep our relationship healthy, that we remain connected, in love, and supportive of each other's goals.
I would never want to go back and change the decision to have children but the truth is, I am sad for that 20 year old girl sometimes.
Her dreams came true and she doesn't even know it.
